Over Forty
by SVU427
Summary: an idea based off a preview for next tuesday's episode i dont know how its gonna go yet, so rating is safe. warning: do not get attatched, if not finished by tuesday, it might be abandoned!
1. Introduction

so my disclaimer: i did not make this part up. belongs to the writers of NBC, thats why i put it in italics...

this is just my introduction for a fic i want to try to get done by tuesday, if not i'll probably abandon it.

Clip from Episode: Inconceivable (go to shows law and order svu and watch the clip from the next episode!

again- this is just a written verison of that clip on and that clip is just a preview of whats happening in the next episode.

"detectives investigate a case of stolen embryos from a sperm bank leading Benson to face her own biological clock." - nbc website

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_Elliot stopped in his __tracks__ Olivia did too. He had to reason with her. She didn't know what it was like to be a parent._

_"Parents have to make hard choices. Now, this last pregnancy, Kathy was over forty, makes it for a much higher risk… Things like Down Syndrome-"_

_Olivia interrupted, __"And __y__ou know what, Eli turned out perfect so spare me the__ perils of women over forty having __babies__…"It hit her hard. She walked away before he could say anything else. Elliot watched her for a second reflecting on what he had just said. He already regretted it. Their relationship was already too rocky to wait to apologize. He raised his eyebrow in a 'here-we-go' manner and followed her to the car._

_Elliot closed the door and stole a glance at the passenger side. Olivia was avoiding his gaze and looking out the window._

_"You know, you'd make a great mom…" Elliot started the apology quietly, but Olivia was unwilling to accept it right now._

_"Oh, my god, I'm not having this conversation right now," she interrupted him for a second time, but kept looking out the window. Elliot looked down at the steering wheel, ashamed at his first attempt, but knew he shouldn't stop now._

_"You're great with kids," he said turning to her hopefully. He wished she'd accept his apology. She knew he was just watching out for her._

_"Yeah," she nodded her head slightly, and her annoyed attitude had now become weary and drained, "I know."_

_Olivia looked back out the window again feeling Elliot's gaze still on her. Finally__ he looked away to start the car. He sighed and then sat back. One more try…_

_"Look, maybe you should start thinking about having __kids, and anyway you want to do it, I'll support you," he leaned ove__r slightly__ to __show his concern_

_Olivia looked startled. Her eyes widened and her mouth was left open unable to find words. Eventually__ the words did come to her and she turned to face him for the first time since they started fighting._

_"Elliot, do me a favor," she said seriously, "shut up and drive." She, once again, looked out the window and he gave up. What more could he do? _

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writing more, but im gonna go to bed soon because i dont know whether im going to have school or get otu for a snow day tomorrow... 


	2. Chapter One

Chapter One

previous disclaimer still in place

lost of reflecting back.. i still dont knwo where I'm going with this. I haven't really thought it through. My creative juices ran out after the intro (and it wasn't very creative anyway because i was just putting text to the video i saw)

oh and my parents keep kicking me off so i dont know how often this will last.

any idea what olivia's secret it? (or what it should be because i still haven't decide, though i think i know where im going, because i think i know where the epi is going, think about it, look at the title, "inconceivable"...)

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Olivia looked over at Elliot. It was his turn to avoid her gaze. 

"I'm sorry, Elliot, I just…"

"You know I support you. I was only trying to help."

"I know you were. I just didn't know whether I wanted to Share this conversation with you…"

"You used to trust me," Elliot said, with his eyes still fixed on the road ahead. Olivia looked down at her hands. She felt ashamed.

"I know I did," she started and saw Elliot move in his seat uncomfortably, "I still do." She tried to fix it. It didn't work. He looked back over towards her as if he didn't believe her.

"Elliot, don't pretend you don't know things are different between us now." She trusted him with her life, but the past year has been an emotional rollercoaster for them both. They had to be careful around each other or they'd be putting both their partnership and friendship in jeopardy.

Silence filled the car. They were both deep in thought. Each was hesitant about saying anything else. The slightest critique could cause their fragile relationship to shatter on the ground beneath them.

Olivia reflected back to where it all started going wrong.

"_You and this job are about the only things I've got anymore. I don't want to wreck that_"

He told her that if things didn't change, they wouldn't be able to work together. Olivia couldn't believe what he was telling her, but took immediate action. She thought he was right; time away from Elliot would be best for their relationship. Later that night she went to Captain Cragen, head of the Special Victims Unit, and asked for a new partner. She was transferred over to Computer Crimes where she thought she'd be better off. She didn't want to be the cause of Elliot's frustration. She was wrong, though. They were worse. When she came back things were still awkward. She couldn't take it. She went undercover for the FBI later that year. Even though her job description said no one was to know, she still would've told Elliot under normal circumstances, but they hadn't had a chance to get back to normal.

By the time Olivia came back again, their relationship was strained farther than anyone had ever seen it. They were unable to work with each other. They weren't in sync anymore. Fights were started from nowhere, where she would say things she regretted.

_"__And eight years in this unit tells me that I don't need to be married to know when an abusive man is escalating"_

Elliot thought about what he'd said to Olivia. It was his fault she ever left. He drove her away. He was lucky she came back. The next time, he might not be so lucky.

_**"**__Is there something you want to say to me__, b__ecaus__e if you do, then let's hear it," _she said.

_**"**__Why didn't you shoot Gitano?"_

_**"**__ He was using the child as a shield."_

_**"**__How could you let him get so close to you?"_

_**"**__ There were innocent civilians around. I couldn't get a shot.__"_

_**"**__ Well, you got close, and Ryan's dead.__"_

_**"**__ So this is my fault?_

Elliot shook his head reflecting on it. Why did he blame her? He was just so worried. His nerves were on end. She'd almost died. What would he do without her? When he was talking to Huang, he said he regretted saving Olivia when she didn't need him.

"_I wish I didn't…"_ he'd started to say, but Dr. Huang finished his sentence for him.

_"Didn't what? Didn't ... care so much? Elliot, that's what makes you a good partner."_

He did care too much, and he made the mistake of telling her. She thought it was her fault. She couldn't have been more wrong. It was his fault that he wasn't telling her the whole truth. It drove her away. Now she's back and he's going to do his hardest to keep it that way.

Of course the most recent events have kept them both on the edge of an anxiety break. Olivia found out she has a brother, who was suspected of rape. After finally clearing him, Elliot's wife, Kathy, who he got pregnant though they were submitting their divorce papers, was held hostage by a psychopath. Next, Elliot has his head bashed into a car window by a perp and is temporarily blinded. Later, Olivia took Kathy to a doctor's appointment as a favor for Elliot and they were in a car crash. Kathy goes into labor while pinned in the car and Olivia not only helps keep her alive while the emergency rescue works on getting her out of there, but was in the ambulance with her while she was giving birth.

Olivia was in a haze the rest of the time. She remembers Elliot bursting through the hospital doors, pushing right past her to Kathy. She read Elliot's lips when he told Kathy he loved her. When Elliot came back out, she thought he would be angry with her for putting Kathy and Elliot jr. in jeopardy, but he wasn't. Though she saw the "I love you" earlier, her hope was renewed when Elliot turned around and hugged her. He was about to walk right past her, and she was satisfied with his gratitude, but last minute he pulled her hand. The touch of his hand sent shocks through her, and little did she know, through him as well. He turned her around and hugged her. Not just a 'thanks' hug, but a real hug. A hug that had meaning behind it. A hug that she had never actually had before. Growing up without a family, as her mother was drunk most of the time and could barely stand to look at Olivia; she had never experienced a hug laced with love. Even though it wasn't the time for romantic love, it was the love of friendship with hope. A love that they both secretly felt would grow.

Elliot broke the silence, "Olivia, what do you say we get something to eat. I think we should talk."


	3. Chapter Two

**Chapter Two**

_same disclaimer_

_think i know where i'm going with this, but not totally sure yet... I won't be home a lot this weekend so sorry if i dont get to update a lot, and i dont know if i'll continue it if im not finished by tuesday. A lot of people have subscribed to the alert, but ya know... reviews make me happy! _

_and my parents are limiting my computer time, which sucks because i have a really short attention span and i can't type a chapter in an hour becaus i listen to music while i type and i get side tracked!! like now with keith urban "i got no money in my pockets, i got a hole in my jeans, i had a job and i lost it, but it wont get to meeeeeeeeee!!!" haha sorry_

_heres a short chapter:_

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"Liv, what do you want to eat?"

Olivia was preoccupied and didn't answer. She had a lot on her mind. She didn't know what to tell Olivia.

"I'd say we should get a number one or two. I can't remember which one we usually get. We could get them both…" he considered, "I'm out of beer. Do you have enough? I'm pretty sure you'll still have that extra wine bottle from your birthday party, right?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever," Olivia answered. She wasn't really hungry.

This was their routine. When most people want to eat out with their friends, they eat _out_, but Elliot and Olivia grab some Chinese food and have a beer on the floor of one of their apartments. It's usually up in Olivia's apartment; when they used to do it, Elliot used to still be married. They haven't done it for a while. They used to be able to just hang out for hours and talk about whatever, or watch TV in a comfortable silence, or drink away the difficulties the day brought. This would be the first time they've actually spent time with each other as friends, rather than partners.

As soon as they were in her apartment, Olivia went right to the fridge and grabbed a couple of beers to put on the counter. She popped the cap off of one and went into the living room. On her way in, she grabbed a pillow and threw it on the floor, claiming the spot where she planned to sit.

Elliot, carrying their dinner, walked in. Everything was different. Olivia was never a neat freak, but she kept her apartment clean enough usually. Now it looks like she hadn't cleaned up in a while. He walked down the narrow hallway. Passing her room, he noticed clothes spread out all over the floor. There were empty cups and dishes lining the edges of her dressers where she must've had a meal in bed and not bothered to take the dishes back to the kitchen. This was unusual for Olivia to be this sloppy.

When he got to the kitchen to put the food on the counter, he was, at first, relieved to see an empty sink, where he thought there would be piled up dishes. He then noticed that there weren't any dishes because she hadn't been using them. On the counter he noticed a large pile of carryout menus and a phone lying on top. He placed the food on top of the counter and looked into the living room where Olivia was already finishing off her first beer.

"Olivia? What happened here?"

Olivia looked at him, "what?"

Elliot gave her a look.

"I don't live with anyone, so there's no point in keeping it clean. I wasn't expecting company," she added defensively. Elliot walked through the living room, picking up pillows and blankets and putting them back on the couch. He then took all the papers off of the coffee table, stacked them neatly, and put them on the end, so he could put the food there.

"Grab a pillow, and sit down, Elliot. I didn't bring you here to clean my house," she said somewhat irritably.

Elliot grabbed himself a beer and sat down, still looking at Olivia. He had a gut feeling that this would not be like old times. This night probably wouldn't end well.


	4. Chapter Three

**Chapter Three**

hmmm the scary thing is... i still dont really have a concrete idea of how this is going to go...

maybe if some more people reviewed, i'd be motivated...

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Olivia was lying on her stomach with the container of Chinese food and a beer by her side. Elliot had his back against the sofa and was facing her. They made small talk, something they'd never really had to do with each other before. Elliot was too concerned about her to confront her right now. She was still wondering how to tell Elliot her secret and whether she actually would. She would've told him anything before, but now, because things are different, she couldn't imagine telling him. Elliot got up to go to the bathroom. He needed to get away from her and come up with a plan to ask her. He needed to fix things between them, but he needed to find out why she was hurting so badly.

"Grab me another beer," Olivia called to him when he got up. Elliot shook his head once he was out of her sight. She was trying to drink something away…

He went into her bathroom. At least she kept it clean, but there was still a pile of dirty laundry in a corner. Her sink counter was covered with makeup, empty toothpaste containers, and other sorts of trash that didn't seem to make it to the trash bin. Elliot splashed some water on his face. This was going to be a rough night. Olivia had to tell him something, but he knows that doesn't happen very easily.

In search of a towel that he could use to dry his face, Elliot pushed some of the trash into the trash can. He then noticed a lid that was undoubtedly belonged to a prescription bottle. He didn't mean to pry through her personal business, but he couldn't understand what prescription pills she would be taking without telling him. They used to tell each other everything. He searched for an orange bottle to match the lid in his hand. He found it. Quickly he looked at the label. Olivia Benson… her address… Antidepressant. An antidepressant.

"Olivia!" Elliot called from the bathroom. He ran down the hall. Olivia looked up at him alarmed at his sudden change in voice. He sounded anxious, worried, and angry. She saw the bottle in his hand. She took another swig of beer without looking away.

"Olivia, please, I'm begging you. Tell me what's happening. Why?"

"Elliot…" she started calmly.

"Olivia, are you depressed? How long, what is going on? Why didn't I know about this?" he demanded out of concern and hurt.

"Why… Why didn't… why didn't you know? So this is about you, right?" Why didn't I tell you? This is none of your damn business, Elliot!" her voice was raising.

"Olivia, you're not depressed, you've just been going through a rough patch, and I have too and…"

"Oh and now you're a doctor. What gives you the right to decide whether I'm depressed or not? I've been through therapy, El, and it's not working. I'm on the verge of losing my mind. You have no idea. It's not a rough patch… I've never been truly happy, but- no! you don't deserve to know why."

"Olivia what are you talking about?"

"No. Get. Out."

"Olivia…"

"Get OUT!"

"Olivia, you need to tell me what is going on. We can't coexist if we don't talk."

"Now you want to talk?" Olivia said picking up her beer bottle. "Why didn't you want to talk before?" she threw the bottle at him, but missed terribly and it shattered into pieces, like her heart, on the floor. "How 'bout back when I needed someone to talk to!"

"Liv, I don't know…"

"Elliot, I swear to god…"

"Fine! You don't want to talk. You act as if you do, but you don't want help! You just want sympathy. Poor Detective Benson, your life just sucks doesn't it?" his temper was getting carried away, "An absent mother, no father, the victim, but you only want pity. You don't want someone to talk to. You don't want help, just pity!"

"You son of a bitch, get out, _now_. I'm done. I want you out!" she screamed with tears streaming down her face.

With the slam of the front door, Olivia slammed the refrigerator door. She popped the top off yet another bottle of beer and drank.

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yeah so review and stuff... don't think its my best fic or anything, but i haven't written one since... forever.

hope ya guys are likin'...

haha dont know why i wanted to share, but i just saw 27 dresses:

"you don't have any wants or needs...?"

"no. I'm jesus"

haha i thought it was funny.


	5. Chapter Four

**Chapter Four**

dang, i still dont own them.

short, i know, but this is it until tomorrow, enjoy...

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"What the hell happened?" Elliot yelled, crashing through the emergency room doors. He was met by Fin Tutuola who grabbed his shoulders to restrain him, though he did not need to yet, he knew he would need to. Don Cragen, captain of the special victims' squad was talking to a man with a grave expression on his face and a white lab coat over his blue-green scrubs. Cragen also had a grim face as he looked left and down the hall to where Elliot had just made a commotion. He thanked the doctor, shook his head and then headed towards Elliot. He looked him in the eye even from far away and then looked at the ground. This wouldn't be fun.

In all the years they've worked together, he knew how Elliot and Olivia felt about each other even if they didn't. He's also known about Olivia's recent problems; recent and old problems, some that she didn't even feel comfortable with sharing with Elliot, but only because he made it that way. Elliot has always led Olivia on and then pushed her away when he realized where their relationship was going. He was loyal to his wife, and Olivia respected that, which is why it also tore her apart. Of course, Elliot wasn't all to blame. Olivia was the one that attracted him. Given the fact that she was gorgeous, witty, and charming; Elliot always had more trouble repelling the magnetic forces that drew men to Olivia.

Olivia always loved Elliot, but she had all the men drawn to her. She was graceful and ladylike, but at the same time she could throw on sweat pants, grab a beer, and watch the football game. Elliot and Olivia would get so close, but then Elliot would shrink back to his wife, as any loyal husband should do, and Olivia would hurt him. She's go out with whatever man came drooling after her and made sure Elliot was jealous. She, however, always chose the worst of the men and she's end up fighting with Elliot later about who was right or wrong. They fought with each other because, their lives, they were the only person worth fighting for. They're relationship wasn't perfect, but it was true love. They truly cared for each other in every aspect of their relationship. This is why Cragen knew he was in trouble from the moment he got the call from the hospital. As worried as he was about Olivia's condition, he had to worry more about what Elliot would do because of it.

Cragen heaved a big sigh and as he passed by, John Munch joined him as they approached Elliot.

"What happened?" he demanded.

"Elliot, it won't do any good for you to be here yelling…" Cragen said somberly.

"Elliot, go take a seat…" Munch offered quietly. No sarcastic comments could come from his mouth if he tried.

"I can't. I need to know what happened to her."

"Let us explain it…" Fin started.

"No, I have to go see her…" Elliot said trying to push past them. The other three men exchanged glances.

"Elliot," Cragen said, "She's not well at the moment and she made it clear that she doesn't want to see you."

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haha i didn't tell you why she was there! you'll have to read more later, but i havent written anything else. im going to bed. i have off tomorrow so i'll continue in the AM

you can send me some reviews (please be nice... i didn't mean to laugh because i kinda left it off at a cliff hanger... haha)


	6. Chapter Five

**Chapter Five**

little bit more... thanks for sticking with me

i dont own them, theyre just like barbies... except, im sure when i was little my barbie's lives weren't like this. it was more like "hey ken, let's go to the mall!!" "oh my gosh i love pink!!!" "oh my gosh!!!" (wow im an idiot.) **

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**

"Elliot, were you with her tonight?" Cragen asked him. Elliot didn't pay attention. The words pierced through his heart over and over as he repeated the statement in his head.

_"She doesn't want to see you. She doesn't want to see you. She doesn't want to see you…"_

"Elliot, what happened last night?" Elliot looked up at Cragen as if he just realized he was there.

"Elliot, she's really sick. She could've died. She shouldn't have been drinking with her medication…"

"You knew about it?" Elliot shot at him.

"Yes, Elliot, she's been depressed for a while."

Elliot couldn't believe what he was hearing. He found the pills, but it couldn't have been for a while. She's only been in a rough patch for the last year or so. This wasn't making sense. And how did Cragen know about this before he had?

"Elliot, you have to listen to me. I'll tell you everything, but you have to be calm. Olivia has struggled through depression before. A couple times, actually, in and out. I only know because I have to. It's protocol. I can't have someone working on the force if they could be dangerous to others or themselves. We got her treatment. She didn't want to tell me either," he added as if that would ease Elliot's pain.

"But that doesn't…"

"Elliot, please just listen to the rest," Cragen begged. He would not talk over him. If Elliot wanted to know the truth he would have to be patient and listen.

"Now, Elliot, I'm not going to tell you why. I do know, but she should be the one to tell you. She can also decide to never tell you. I don't know what she'll choose, though I hope for your sake she does tell you."

Elliot was now shaking his head in disbelief. He didn't want to hear anymore, but he had to hear more. He had to try and understand. But how could he understand? Cragen wouldn't even tell him why any of this was happening.

"Like I was saying," Cragen started again, "she's been depressed before. About nine years ago was her first break down. Then again when her mother died. The last time before this, was when she took that long time off. She told you she was taking a vacation, but Elliot, how long have you known Liv? When does she take vacations? She was gone for about 3 months, remember?"

Elliot nodded but still didn't understand what all this meant.

"Well, I don't need to remind you of all the hell you guys have been putting each other through lately. She thought if she switched out of the squad for a while the pain would ease a little. I'm also aware that you gave her that idea, though you are not to blame because you didn't know. Around the time she rejoined the squad again, she got news from her doctors. That's when she crashed again. She's been on antidepressants since then, except, according to her, when she was undercover. Except when she could pretend to be someone other than herself."

"But why did she crash…"

"No, I told you I would not be the one to explain that. It was a combination of factors, some having to do with her conflicting thoughts about you and some having to do with the news she was given. She knew it was coming, but she avoided it as best as she could. She was forced to face it alone, as you were unavailable for her. She will explain what the news was."

Elliot stood up. Cragen stood too to make sure Elliot wouldn't do anything he'd regret.

"I don't want to know what you guys were fighting about earlier or why or any of that. I just want you to realize why it might have hit hard. Elliot, Olivia is a strong woman, but she can't be strong all the time. She always puts a wall up to block her true feelings. As long as she can solve other people's problems, she'd never have to let her feelings show, but that can only last so long. She puts a smile on her face to pretend its okay, but she's been slowly unraveling. So you understand what I'm trying to tell you, Elliot?"

"I understand. I caused Olivia's depression and I caused her the pain that made her drink. Basically I drove her to hurt herself. It's my fault she tried to..."

"No, Elliot. Olivia doesn't blame you, and you shouldn't blame yourself either. She just doesn't think you'd understand…"

"But I made her-"

"No, you didn't make her do anything. Your relationship with her has contributed to her anxiety, but you are not to fault. Olivia drank because she wanted to drink. I don't think she was trying to harm herself, I just think…" Cragen took a deep breath, "She was just feeling too much pain and I guess she thought that her medication wasn't working. I guess she thought alcohol would be better. Olivia isn't suicidal, she just…"

Munch spoke up, "Her medication can only help so much. She needed support, but none of us were able to realize she needed us."

"That's the first time what you've said actually made sense," Fin said to Munch, "I guess we're all partly to blame." Cragen looked down and nodded in agreement with both of their statements.

"I need to go see her!" Elliot said trying to get passed Cragen. Munch and Fin stood up too.

"Elliot, you can't go see her. Go home. I'm going to call your wife and tell her you're on the way."

Elliot shot a last anxious look down the hall where he knew Olivia would be. He took a couple steps backwards and then took off crashing out the door the same way he did coming in, this time it was from rage and hurt rather than worry. He knew Olivia would be okay. She'd have to be okay. Cragen would've told him if she wouldn't be okay. He just told him she wasn't doing well, but there would be time for her to get well. But would she get well? Even if she wasn't sick anymore, could she really be well? Emotionally, would she ever heal?

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so here's some more... i tried to make it so our favorite detective didn't sound suicidal, just a little desperate at the moment. She didn't try to kill herself, she just didn't think about the fact that she could hurt herself... make sense? i hope...? 

i'll probably post one more and then im gonna go watch a movie and paint a little bit. I feel like painting.


	7. Chapter Six

**Chapter Six**

i dont own them,

song by taylor swift, "tied together with a smile"**

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Olivia looked at herself in the mirror. She was going home today. Her eyes were dark and lifeless. She had big circles under them. She was pale and drained; she's lost a considerable amount of weight. They kept her for two weeks; a week for recovery with an attached week for a psych evaluation. They thought she was suicidal. She wasn't, she just didn't know how to handle things. She wasn't in her right state of mind, they concluded. She was in so much emotional stress that she didn't realize what could happen to her, but she wasn't a threat to anyone.

Olivia continued to stare at herself in the mirror. _What a mess you've caused…again…__ as always…_ she thought to herself. She didn't mean for anyone to get hurt during this ordeal. That's why she tried to hide it. The squad took shifts visiting her. All except, Elliot. Cragen reported that Elliot hasn't been showing up to work. He called Kathy and she said he's home sometimes, but not always. She was probably causing Elliot to lose his mind and the squad was probably up all night and day worrying about her. She hated what lengths they were going through to make sure she was okay. She didn't deserve their concern. She wished they'd stop tearing their lives apart for her.

_Seems the only one who doesn't see your beauty_

_Is the face in the mirror looking back at you_

_You walk around here thinking you're not pretty_

_But that's not true, cause I know you..._

Olivia reflected back to the night at her apartment with Elliot. Why did she drink? Why didn't she just talk to Elliot? He wouldn't have understood, she knew, but she also knew he would've tried. She tried to drown herself with alcohol. She took her mother's approach to solving problems, but this could've killed her. She was already handling the pain, but she didn't trust that it was working so she took matters into her own hands. She knew the beer would harm her, but she didn't think about it then. She didn't pause to think, 'I wonder if this plus my medication could kill me.' She just wanted everything to be over. She thought back to her secret. _Damn it!_ She couldn't get over it. She's tried for years and years. She could've told. Wouldn't she feel better if she could share with someone? Or would she be better off if she didn't make it. If her neighbor didn't call 911 and the ambulance didn't come. Surely everyone would've been better off, right? _Oh shit, now __you're sounding suicidal again,_ She chastised herself. _I'm not suicidal, but I just don't know how to handle this by myself… I can't handle it…_she said to herself. It was true. She didn't want to die; she just didn't know what to do. There was a difference. Just because she was depressed and slowly losing it, it didn't mean she wanted her life to end, she just wanted the pressure to end.

_Hold on, baby, you're losing it_

_The water's high, you're jumping into it_

_And letting go... and no one knows_

_That you cry, but you don't tell anyone_

_That you might not be the golden one_

_And you're tied together with a smile_

_But you're coming undone_

She knew she'd have to let someone help her. She can't be the independent, needless tower of strength she pretended to be. She'd have to let someone in. She wanted it to be Elliot. She loved him. She loved him, but he couldn't love her. He just had a baby with his wife. He has a family. He wouldn't leave them for her. Of course she had the hope that he wouldn't leave them, she'd just be part of the family. He'd choose her over Kathy, but he wouldn't have to choose between her and his kids. She loved his kids like her own… since she doesn't have her own… But none of that would happen. She tried in every way to show him her love, but he didn't ever show any signs of returning the feeling.

_I guess it's true that love was all you wanted__Cause__ you're giving it away like it's extra change__Hoping it will end up in his pocket__But he leaves you out like a penny in the rain__Oh, cause it's not his price to pay__Not his price to pay..._

She knew things would be difficult still. All the same pressures still applied, but now Elliot and her relationship would be strained, possibly ruined. She'd be forever monitored by her peers. She's get looks as the woman who tried to commit suicide, even if that's not what she was doing. She wouldn't know how to explain it to make them see what happened. She didn't even know herself. She was just in pain and she didn't think. She did want to hurt herself, but now everyone would treat her differently. Before she was only broken on the inside, now she wears her battle scars on the outside where everyone can see. The worst part was now she wouldn't have Elliot at all. Before she was the one that chose not to tell Elliot, but she might not get that option this time. She cried to herself. Just a few tears, but enough to keep her from losing her mind.

_Hold on, baby, you're losing it_

_The water's high, you're jumping into it_

_And letting go... and no one knows_

_That you cry, but you don't tell anyone_

_That you might not be the golden one_

_And you're tied together with a smile_

_But you're coming undone_

_**You're tied together with a smile**_

_**But you're coming undone

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so ya'll probably already know the secret she's gonna eventually have to share, right? well i'll right more later. I'll try to get the secret in my the time the epi is aired... then i might do a follow up sequal even if my secret wasn't the same secret in the show..

i know this chapter was kinda random and it really wasn't needed, but its just supposed to be Olivia deep in thought about what should be and what will be happening... she's obviously convincing herself she's not suicidal b/c she's not. im ao bad at this. i make her seem so suicidal when she's not supposed to be. she's just an emotional wreck right now. thats all.

review, read more later... thanks a bunch!!


	8. Chapter Seven

**Chapter Seven**

more... hope you like**

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Olivia walked up to the door. This would be hard enough, but she knew she still had harder things to face up the road. She lifted her arm to knock. She found herself wondering what would happen if she didn't go in. No one in the room noticed her entrance. It was too late in the day; a lot of the detectives were doing field work. Olivia slowly took her arm away, hesitating once, knowing she should go in, then she dropped her hand to the side. She didn't have to go in yet.

"Olivia!" Cragen called from behind. Olivia closed her eye tight, wishing he'd go away. She forced herself to turn around and plastered a weak smile on her face as he approached. Munch nodded to her from across the room and she waved halfheartedly back to him as enough of a greeting.

"Good timing. Come on into my office," he said unlocking the door and then letting her in.

"Thanks, Captain," Olivia said quietly. She took a seat in front of his desk and Cragen sat opposite of her.

"So we'll start, I guess?"

"Yeah," Olivia said distractedly. Cragen went over the guidelines and procedures of coming back to work after such an "ordeal" but Olivia just watched him and mumbled "yes's" and "no's" every once in a while to seem like she was paying attention. Her mind was wandering however. She watched the man speaking to her. His frown as he read from a plain file stung her heart. She never meant to cause anyone else pain or stress on her behalf. She felt ashamed. He was treating her differently. She wondered if everyone would. She felt like a child in the principal's office being reprimanded for putting a tack on the teacher's chair. As he went over "protocol" and "follow up psych evaluations" telling her she needed to hand in weekly reports until he thought it was no longer necessary, Olivia looked down at the floor. Now she felt guilty for not listening when he was clearly trying to make sure she would be okay.

"Do you understand me so far?"

"Yes, sir," Olivia said not lifting her eyes. She focused on her finger nails.

Cragen took off his glasses and rubbed his forehead. A deep sigh caused Olivia to look up apologetically.

"Olivia, we all support you here. None of us believe that is how you usually are, but we still can't begin to understand. You just need to help us to understand."

"Yes, sir," she said again.

Cragen shook his head slightly. He has always looked out for Olivia. He couldn't imagine how this could've happened. He didn't know how he didn't see this coming. He knew back when she started on the force that there was potential for things to worsen.

Olivia and Cragen both turned their heads to a noise they heard outside the office. Fin was laughing loudly and Munch was standing up with an empty cup in his hands and coffee running down his shirt. Munch grabbed a paper towel and stared dabbling at the hot liquid. When Fin didn't stop laughing, Munch threw the soaking towel at him.

On any other occasion, Olivia would've laughed, but she noticed she wasn't there. _She didn't need to be there for her friends to go on as usual._She frowned, but not because she wasn't there, but because of how selfish she was being. Why would she expect it to be that way? Why would she have to be there? She wrinkled her eyebrows at another problem she saw with the picture.

"Where's Elliot?"

"I knew we'd have to talk about that sooner or later…"

Olivia stood up to look out the window better. She still didn't see Elliot.

"He's still not coming back to work?"

"No," he said but paused to see her reaction. She looked at him expectantly, so he felt it safe to continue, "He blames himself, Olivia. He's not doing well. He won't pick up his cell phone. Kathy says he stays out a lot. When he does come home, sometimes he's drunk and he locks himself in his room for a long time. Other times he tries to be 'superdad' and tries to do all of the housework and be the only one taking care of the baby until he tires himself out. He's just trying to distract himself. He feels guilty. We've tried to confront him. Fin and Munch go to check on him every once in a while. Kathy's been worried sick. You're the only one who will be able to get through to him."

"It's not his fault, but I don't know if I can talk to him," she said pacing.

"Yes, you can. You both need it… but Olivia, I don't want to tell you what to do, the choice is yours, but I think you should tell him. He deserves to know."

Olivia nodded her head though she didn't' like what she was hearing. She opened the door and turned to leave.

"Olivia," Cragen added last minute, "you don't always have to be strong."

She didn't look back when she said it, she didn't want the conversation to go any farther, "but I do..." She walked out the door and shut it behind her, avoiding the others' questioning looks as she walked by.

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hope ya liked, reviews please!!! hopefully we'll get enough snow here in baltimore so i can get out of school early and finish... im getting worried about the timing. but i do have to set a little time aside for studying for finals and my art homework is soooo overdue whihc is not good if i want to create my AP portfolio and aahhhhh im getting frustrated as you can probably tell by my rants... 


	9. Chapter Eight

**Chapter Eight**

a little more...**

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Olivia didn't know what to do. She wanted to get out of the car and go up to her apartment, but for some reason she couldn't do it. She knew she _should_ go see Elliot. She _needed_ to go see Elliot. It was that need that kept her from opening the door. She couldn't run away forever, part of her reasoned, but the other part countered that she wasn't ready to tell anyone. She really wasn't ready to tell Elliot until after she healed a little. _But will I heal if I don't tell him?_ She wondered. She put the key back in the ignition and pulled out of her space. It was later; about ten at night. She didn't care, at least if it was this late he would be home, right?

Olivia made it to the steps, but turned around twice. She went up to the door finally, but hesitated before knocking. She couldn't do it. She turned away for the third time. She couldn't take it. Either way, whether she was brave enough to face Elliot or she turned around and went home, she couldn't take the pressure. It drove her crazy. She knew he deserved to know, however, and she deserved to share the pain. She didn't have to carry the burden all by herself. She had others that were more than willing to help.

Without even considering the possibility that the family would be asleep, Olivia started banging on the door.

"Elliot!! ELLIOT!!! I need to talk to you, please! Elliot. _Please…_" her screams died to desperate cries. She realized how foolish she must look at the moment and turned around shamefully.

"Olivia?" a quiet and somewhat frightened voice asked from behind the screen door.

Olivia whipped around. Under normal conditions, Olivia would've been embarrassed and would be apologizing to Kathy, trying to remain on her good side. Kathy always saw Olivia as a rival for Elliot's affection. This time, however, she didn't care.

"Kathy," she started breathlessly. She was frantic to see Elliot and she begged, "I need to see Elliot, please. Is he there?" she looked behind Kathy, half expecting to see Elliot show up behind her in his pajama pants. No luck; he never did show up. There was a silence as Kathy inspected Olivia's hysterical nature. A baby cried and Kathy looked behind her. She looked at Olivia once and then disappeared into another room.

Olivia wasn't sure whether Kathy's look was permission to come in or not, but she didn't care. She let herself into the Stabler house. She looked around the corner for any sign of Elliot coming on his way to greet her. Again, no luck. She walked to the living room where she found Kathy trying to rock Eli back to sleep.

"Why do you need him?" Kathy asked protectively.

"I need to tell him the truth now," was all Olivia was willing to reveal until she could figure out how Kathy was feeling about her showing up at the house late at night.

Kathy relaxed and sighed. She couldn't be that kind of person; she actually did like Olivia and knew how she felt about Elliot and even how Elliot felt about her.

"He does love you."

"Kathy-" Olivia could barely stammer out a couple syllables out of surprise.

"you're the reason he's like that, though…" slight anger and defeat was detected in her voice, "he rarely comes home. He's always a mess. I hope you do tell him the truth. He deserves it. Especially from you," she added giving Olivia a look.

Olivia looked around as if searching for an escape route.

"Kathy, I'm so sorry. I just- I don't even know how to…"

"No, Olivia, it's okay. I'm jealous of you two, but Elliot's given me more than I could imagine. He loved me, supported me, and was a better father to all of his kids than anyone can hope for. I don't have to like the fact that you've had my husband's heart for years, but I do like you. I hope you work it out. He's not in love with me anymore, but I've come to realize that it doesn't mean he'd be tearing the family up. As I've told you before, you know him in a way I never could. You give him stability, but while you were in the hospital, you took that form him. As soon as he found out you weren't as strong as you let on, he crumbled to pieces."

Olivia shifted slightly in her spot.

"I don't mean to get all sappy like this, Olivia, but this has been coming. It was inevitable. Everyone's noticed. You're only up when he's up with you; he won't fly knowing that you'll be left on the ground."

Olivia was about to respond. She didn't know what to say, but she didn't need to think of what to say. A slamming screen door alerted both women that Elliot was home.

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okay soo... hope i finish. if anyone cares i did well on my speaking part ofr my spanish final!

more on the way

reviews please


	10. Chapter Nine

**Chapter Nine**

so last chapter... i know, sad...**

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"Olivia?" he asked unsure whether what he was seeing was real. Kathy slipped out unnoticed, understanding the importance of this conversation. That act was unnecessary, however, because Olivia suggested they go outside, in case they fought. She didn't want to wake up the kids. Elliot just nodded to this and followed Olivia, unable to think of words to say.

"Hi, Elliot," she said shifting her eyes to the ground and leaning against the banister. She could smell the scent of stale beer. His eyes were bloodshot. Lack of sleep and weeks of worry were etched into his face.

"I'm so glad you're alright!" he said, "I'm so sorry I cornered you instead of just asking- and then I forced you to tell-but you didn't want to… I shouldn't have pushed you…"

"No, Elliot, none of this is your fault. None. I came here tonight to fix this. This mess it's just… it's gotten way out of control and I want to come clean. You deserve the whole truth from me," she said with difficulty choosing words.

Elliot sat down on the steps in front of his house. He beckoned Olivia to join him in their favorite place; side by side on a porch, mending each other's broken hearts. Olivia joined him and as soon as she sat down, he hugged her. She rested her head on his shoulder and let all the tears fall. With the tears, her pain, the burden she had been carrying, all fell away. She felt renewed. She felt as if she was in the right place. Telling Elliot would cleanse her for good, though she knew it would have to come over time, not just now...

"Elliot, you deserve the truth. I've been hiding it from you. I'll start from the beginning. Months before joining this unit, I had my first miscarriage. I went into a deep depression from which I thought I would never recover. I thought change would do some good, and I was right. You took me in as a friend right from the start. Just when I thought I had picked up all the pieces, my mother died. That's when my depression worsened. I thought I could hide my own problems by fixing others. I persuaded everyone that I was truly happy, and to some degree I was, but I convinced myself that I was happier than I actually was. I was just denying it though."

"Olivia, if I had known…" he began to say but then realized she wasn't over, "Liv, what is it?"

"My second miscarriage… That was why I was out for such a long time all those years ago. I was a couple months pregnant before I had some complications. This time, I wasn't even aware until it happened. The father was a lawyer in Queens. He didn't stick around anyway so I guess it didn't matter…" she was silent for a while. Elliot let her have that silence. She was mourning for each of her possible children and he couldn't imagine how this felt to her.

When she had collected herself enough, Olivia continued, "When I found out I was pregnant for a third time, this was recent," she added to Elliot, "I hoped this would be the one. You know, I'd never really had a real family… Well it was halfway through my undercover operation that I found out. It grew healthily, though. I was actually going to have a baby, or so I thought. Soon tests started to show complications again. They suggested therapeutic abortion through all sorts of methods. They said there was no way the baby would live and if I tried I could die with it. It turns out there was something wrong with me; it was hereditary. I never really paid attention to the doctors. I didn't want to," her voice got bitter; "Of course that would be the only thing my mother has ever given me."

Elliot tightened his grip on Olivia. Tears were falling from his eyes unwillingly. He wanted to be strong for her, but couldn't help it. Feeling the pain with her was the most he could do. He couldn't take any of it back.

"As soon as I neared forty hey told me to stop trying. The baby wouldn't be healthy from my medical problems already and there was twice as much risk as I got older. I couldn't believe it when the doctor told me. I didn't understand how he could say that to me objectively. He just told me the facts as if he were telling me when to sign up for another appointment. That simple…"

Olivia shook her head, "Anyway, I can't have kids. Ever. I'm officially unable to conceive. I don't know why I hid that from you… or the depression. I just didn't think you'd approve and I was ashamed."

"Olivia, I've never told you this. I love you. I hope you trust me later in the future. You mean everything to me and I wish you didn't have to suffer alone. Please, for both of our sakes; let me help you carry that burden.

Olivia looked into his blue eyes and knew in time they'd heal. They'd help each other through all the hard times. It doesn't mean everything will perfect, it doesn't mean they won't fight and doubt, it just means they'll do everything in their power to prevent it. Time and trust would see to it that things will be different.

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hey ya'll, if you're thinking the ending was kind of abrupt and i could've finsihed the fic better... well don't freak out! i feel a sequal coming on. just give me some time to replenish my creative juices. between fics, videos, and art, my creativity level has been lowered to that of a 2 year old. let me rest and i promise you i'll have a sequal that wraps everythign up with more EO than just omg "Olivia is in sooo much pain" and "ohhh no will she recover?" and stuff...

so to wrap it up, there will be a sequal eventually, but the epi is tonight and i want to watch. right now, though american idol auditions are on then i will be watching house and i need a little bit of a break. i dont write very many fics... this took a lot of energy from me.

hey if you like my fics, go to youtube[dotcom/csivegasfreak, watch my videos and comment

thanks guys, review please and tell me what you think, though im expecting people to be angry about the end...


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